It's Not All Rainbows

Well, this blog has been a little neglected. Possibly because doing all these things, and expanding outside of my comfort zone, really doesn’t feel as great as I thought it would. I keep expecting the world to shift, for something dramatic to occur. But, my life carries on and I try new things and feel embarrassed and proud and nothing seems different. I wonder if it’s the mental framework I’ve held about these events. I keep telling myself I have to do them, that it’s an obligation. I haven’t been viewing them as an opportunity. Maybe shifting my perspective would help. But, maybe continuing to do what I’m doing, trying to find something that I enjoy, that makes me happy to be back in America.

Since I last posted, I’ve done several things.

EPA happy hours: They are a thing. Alcohol is cool I guess. I have learned that light beer is less unappealing than dark beer. I feel very mature in knowing this.

Environmental Film Festival: in which I earned work credit to sit at a table and answer questions badly. Often people asked about Trump. To which I responded with optimism that it won’t really be that bad, even though nobody really knows what’s gonna happen. I had one man who had a number of questions regarding air quality stuff and also fracking and how someone could report concern about fracking near their house to the EPA. Welcome to me having absolutely no idea how to respond.

Running: a type of exercise I am truly terrible at. I went running with a group of work people who run for 5 miles at lunch. Surprise, I cannot run. I felt like I might pass out and had horrible stomach cramps so turned around. I walked/ran/ jogged back to the office at which time I ran into two of my fellow coworkers and RPCVs who got to see my gloriously red face. It was a time. But one of the attorneys asked if I’d come run again next week, to which I responded I was terrible at running and would slow them down but was trying to learn. She was really nice and said they’d run slow with me for as long as I could run and then would carry on with the rest of their run. So that’s really nice. I’m going to try it. I legit am awful at running though, so this will be an adventure. I don’t even exactly know why I want to be able to run. It just seems like a fun thing.

Going to the gym at work: it sucks a lot less than it used to. Not to say that I don’t freak out sometimes and worry that people will know I suck at working out. But it’s getting much better. I’m enjoying the treadmill and the ability to do yoga in one of the rooms.

Snowshoeing: which is super fun and wasn’t really that far outside of my comfort zone. I went with my friend and her friends, so I’m gonna say I get points for socially interacting with people I don’t know well.

In the upcoming 2 weeks I will:

-go to a new event in Denver or Boulder that looks fun and interesting that I’ve never gone to before. Aka visiting a book bar on an event night or go to a poetry slam or a local band playing

-write something daily

-meditate 2x weekly

-reduce snacking at work (drink ¼ of nalgene and have gum for 20 minutes before snacking, see if you even feel hungry after said time)

Happy Hour And The Danger Of Comfort

My heart raced. Happy hour was in half an hour. I wanted to go home. Doing new things was stupid, I had decided. My comfort zone existed for a reason so I might as well stay in it. Right?

Wrong. My partner in crime laid it out for me: I had to go. We had promised each other. I ended up going with my RPCV coworker and a tiny crew we picked up on the way. To be honest, going with a group felt a little like cheating but I was nervous sweating anyway, so I'm gonna say it counts. We went to a bar which offered $2 beers. They tasted like nothing, which is the best thing a beer could taste like.

In most social situations, especially with groups, there's a moment of choice. Two conversations are going on, and you can't listen to both. In my case, conversations on one side centered around guy who loved talking, and the other included two dudes who made an uncomfortable amount of eye contact. Easy choice. I turned to talkative dude. Eventually my conversation crew asked me about my Peace Corps service. As I was telling them, I looked around to see if they were listening, as I usually do. I almost stopped talking. They were all fixated on me. That NEVER happens. Unless I impress small children by touching the ceiling. Or if I fall down dramatically. But, other than that, it's a rarity. Maybe it was because we were in a bar and they couldn't hear me. Or they genuinely wanted to hear what I had to say. I don't know. Regardless, it was nice. I left first, but only because I had a long commute.I'm glad I went, and would consider going again. I enjoyed getting to know EPA folks, especially the RPCVs. 

 As per usual, doing something outside of my comfort zone was initially exceptionally uncomfortable, but rewarding. It's so easy to stay inside my comfort zone. To go to work and return home, sleep, and do it again. It's easy to stay here every weekend, walking the dog with my family and reading books all day. That's finally easy. It's comfortable. But, I'm not sure if it's enough. I'm not sure if it fulfills me. It's going to be tough to find the balance of how much and what makes me feel better. I don't want to live in fear of doing new things. I want to find that fulfillment somewhere. However, I have to remind myself it's the journey not the destination. 

What Is This All About?

I'm glad you asked. This blog is about facing the things I would normally run from. It's about finding meaning without getting lost in the search.

Before I left for Peace Corps I felt that something was missing in my life. I didn't know what direction to go in or where to find meaning. Then I was in Peace Corps and I felt like I was drowning. I had such appreciation for air that I forgot what it felt like to constantly seek meaning. I was doing the thing I had set out to do and felt proud of that, even when that included laying in my hammock feverish, stinky and sweaty. Of course it's easy to say that retrospectively, but I did push myself out of my comfort zone in Peace Corps because I knew it would be better in the long run. And it was.

But now I'm here. I've got a job, a bed with a blanket that heats up whenever I want and pretty much any amenities you can think of. The meaning, and the fulfillment, I had in Peace Corps isn't here. Some things are certainly challenging, but it's not the continuous onslaught of things that put me outside of my comfort zone. I've found myself spending more and more time at home being comfortable,  instead of doing something new. I began seeking validation in horrible online dates, in furious job applications and took each rejection personally.

I owe it to myself to continue growing. Being comfortable in your own skin is incredibly important, but so is finding space for growth. I'm hoping by putting myself out of my comfort zone I'll give myself the room I need to show my strength.  This blog is how I'll keep myself on track. Because once you post something on the internet it instantly becomes true, right?

For January I'm starting off easy by aiming for 2-3 outings of something I want to do but am nervous to do because social anxiety. Probably attending an open mic or writing group or even just writing publicly in a coffee shop. I'll write about each episode after I've done it so you know it's legit.